Friday, November 18, 2005


Anxiety (N)

Emotional distress, especially that brought on by fear of failure

Every payday, I encouter anxiety looking at the pile of bills and stuff to be gone through. Generally, I only clear out the junk mail every two weeks - make a half a box of recycle paper, and a 6" pile of to-be-shredded stuff from all the mortgage offers and so on.

This payday was worse than usual - I have to come up with extra to pay court costs for the divorce filing. I had thought it was $220, but upon re-checking with the courts website, it's only $111. Whew! Just made $109 in 30 seconds! Added, re-added, minimized, maximized, shuffled, folded, spindled and mutilated bills and paychecks, and once again, come up with enough to pay the bills and eat some inexpensive food.

I still laugh when I look at the federal bankruptcy worksheets on my desk - even with a 'reorginization', where I still pay off my debts, the Feds would allow me to have nearly 3 times more money in my pocket than I do now. Not really an option tho - that's a 10 year stain, where this tight spot will really only last till next September when Alec starts public school. Two years after that, the truck pays off (never, ever, ever buy new!) Couple more years and everything else starts paying off. I can live with 10 more months of eating dog food.

Christmas is right around the corner - Alec has said he'd be happier with several small toys, rather than one large toy. Off to the 'Dollar' store I go! $25 will buy a righteous stack of crap there. Not doing any travelling over Christmas, so that saves a few hundred right there.

Christmas last year was amazing - over 10 days we traveled over 1,500 miles! We had 5 different gift openings - Winfield at Nats', at Grammas', home a few days later, then up to Gramma and Grampas in Chicago, and at the Christmas party in Chicago. Whew! Still was a good time, but not an experience I care to repeat.

On the lower stress side - finally going to get my bike back together this weekend, and assuming it is above, oh, 5 degrees and no ice, I'm going riding for Thanksgiving weekend. Down to Winfield for dinner, up to Wichita for a new tire on Saturday, and who knows where on Sunday. Nice test for cold weather - Jeff and I plan to ride to Hyder, Alaska next June, and up there the average daytime high temp is only in the low 50s. Going to be a couple of dang cold days!

Speaking of bills and money and stuff, I finally got my new sole-owner checking account set up and direct depositing and so on. Kind of liberating - one more string cut. One less anxiety trigger.

Live. Love. Learn.

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